I used to think that being “successful” in meditation meant clearing the mind of every scrap of thought, sitting still and motionless, the mind as pristine and empty as a cloudless blue sky on a summer’s day.
“You’ll never be any good at that,” I told myself. As an over-thinking Enneagram 6, my mind revs as fast as the engine on my husband’s high-powered sports car. I feel like it’s perpetually “pedal to the metal” in there, even in the middle of the night.
And yet I kept feeling a deep hunger to quiet my mind, to shut down the engines of anxiety and worry, to silence the incessant odometer of things-I-need-to do that clicks off like the miles on a cross-country trip.
Eventually it was those all-night mental drag races that led me to give meditation a serious try. Everything I knew and experienced about the benefits of a good night’s sleep (and the detriments of same) was making me desperate for ways to help my mind relax so I could recharge my physical and mental batteries for at least six hours at night. Hopefully, it would also help me become calmer and more mentally focused during the day.
So I did what I always do when I’m ready to learn a new skill or take up a new practice.
I got books.
Emails from the library came pouring in, notifying me that books I had ordered were ready for pickup.
Packages from Amazon and Bookshop arrived daily.
I began reading and studying some of the great meditation teachers – Pema Chodron, Jack Kornfield, Sharon Salzberg. I downloaded InsightTimer to my phone and iPad.
I read. I listened.
And I began to feel a glimmer of hope. Maybe I could do this after all.
Sit quietly. Pay attention to your breath. Notice your thoughts.
Because (said every one of these wise teachers) “Thoughts will run through your mind continually. The important thing is to notice when you’re thinking; label it ‘thinking’ without judgment or harshness, and instead with honesty and gentleness simply go back to your breath.” (Pema Chodron, Welcoming the Unwelcome)
The concept is so deceptively easy.
I began with 10 minutes. Every morning, I went into my quiet basement, unrolled my yoga mat, placed a cushion down on top of it. I set the timer on my phone for 10 minutes. I sat down on the cushion, crossed my legs, closed my eyes, and began to breathe slowly and steadily, counting each breath with a bead on my new mala bracelet.
Almost immediately thoughts came blowing in like clouds across that blue sky of my mind, the word thinking popping up above them like a cartoon bubble. I tried to picture my breath as a gentle breeze blowing them away, one after the other after the other.
Sometimes 10 minutes seemed like 10 hours.
Surely the timer will go off any second! I’d think. (Thinking!)
I must have set it wrong. (Thinking!)
Did it go off and I missed it? (Thinking!)
But over time, the 10 minutes began to disappear more quickly. Sometimes I was actually disappointed when I heard the soft chime tone signally the end of my “quiet time.” I increased the time to 15 minutes, and soon after that to 20 minutes. For now that feels just right.
Today marked my 129th day of meditation since September 23, 2020. My practice has evolved quite a bit since those first agonizing sessions on the cushion. I suspect it will continue to evolve as I continue in my commitment to it. That’s the delightful thing about a new life skill or practice – it grows and changes with you and your needs.
But what you’re really wanting to know is – has meditation helped?
Yes. So very much.
I am noticeably calmer in my daily thinking. I feel less compelled to be constantly on the move, constantly accomplishing something, producing, checking social media feeds for the latest news and views.
I have a deeper sense of self-awareness. By “noticing” all those thoughts as they arise, I can see my preoccupations and, at the same time, acknowledge them, compartmentalize them, and send them on their way.
An even bigger question – how is my sleep?
It’s not perfect. I’d be lying if I said I slept for eight hours every night.
BUT, for years and years my typical sleep pattern has been to get one or two good sleeps in a week. And now those stats are reversed. So five nights a week of six or seven hours of sleep feels like a huge improvement. With better sleeps come more physical energy, less anxiety and irritation, improved focus and concentration.
Sound like a miracle cure? Too good to be true? Lest you think it’s all “woo-woo,” science confirms the benefits of meditation. Neuroscientific studies have shown that meditation strengthens areas of the brain associated with problem solving, concentration, and emotional well-being, all things that help create happiness. Meditation also carves new neuropathways in our brains, real physical change that improves cognitive ability and emotional resilience.
“Meditation helps us diffuse stress, find greater tranquility, connect to our feelings and find a sense of wholeness, strengthen our relationships, and skillfully face our fears,” writes Sharon Salzberg in her book Real Happiness :The Power of Meditation.
Best of all, I’ve proven to myself that I can do something I previously believed would be “too hard.” And I can actually enjoy it. I’ve come to look forward to those 20 minutes every morning in that quiet corner of my basement, a small candle flickering on the table and a beam of morning sunlight drifting in through the window.
Those few moments of being still every morning set me up for a good day, and give me a better chance for a good night’s sleep as well.
This is the first in a series of four blog posts discussing the practices that I’ve been using to help heal my mind, body, and spirit during the year 2021. If you’re interested in beginning a meditation practice of your own, I highly recommend the resources linked in this post. And I’d love to hear about your experience with meditation, whether your practice is new or of long-standing.