Four weeks ago today we began our personal “shelter in place,” with the state mandates following suit within a few days.
This is the week I’m calling the “A” week. Acquiescence. Acceptance. Assimilation.
I realize just how deeply physical distancing has become ingrained in my psyche when I mentally scold actors in TV programs for gathering in groups. Or when the characters in the novels I’m reading take trips, go shopping, or meet for dinner, I pause, puzzled.
In fact, I worry about Assimilating so well that I fear it will be difficult to go back to normal life.
As my fellow introverts will attest, we were made for times like this. For the first time, our particular set of personality traits are finally in line with the needs of society. Instead of being urged to “put ourselves out there” or to “speak up and come out of our shell,” instead we’re being advised to remain calm and quiet in our own little worlds.
But I do wonder. The constant exhortations to stay home and stay away from people only reinforce my introversion and somewhat Anti-social tendencies. Will it be a struggle to go back into the world? What will the world we go back into even look like? And won’t I be afraid of getting sick for a long, long time, even after we’re given the “all clear”? Will I become Agrophobic?
This week I am also Astounded by all the different interpretations of information. First they told us we didn’t need masks, but now we do. Some say we need to disinfect our groceries. No, we really don’t have to worry too much about that, says Dr. Fauci, the only authority I really trust. (Or at least he said that a week or two ago.) A neighbor won’t let me pet her dog, because the virus might be on the dog’s fur. What? I never heard that before.
What do I do with all this conflicting information? I want to know the rules so I can follow them. Don’t keep changing them on me all the time. That will make me insane.
This is also the week I particularly notice how quiet everything is. Not just the absence of physical noise of air traffic and cars or from people busily going about their lives, but the absence of any news other than COVID-19 news. Across the globe, we are consumed with this, as we should be. Because it could consume US if we don’t pay attention.
This is the week someone I know got sick with the virus. (Actually, it’s someone I know tangentially, a family member of a friend.) Of course it was just a matter of time until that happened. Michigan has the dubious distinction of being Number 3 in the nation. I begin to sense heightened fear in some of my friends, particularly those with underlying health issues that make them particularly fragile.
I have not slept through the night for about 10 days. I wake up at 3:00 a.m., stay awake reading for about two hours, and then fall back to asleep somewhere between 5:00 and 5:30. Lacey has adjusted her sleep pattern too, and isn’t getting me up until 8:00 or 8:30, which I appreciate. It’s annoying, but bearable, and I’m getting lots of reading done (as long as I don’t let myself slip down the anxiety rabbit hole.)
I realize how much effort I put into that task – avoiding the anxiety rabbit hole. It’s why I’m constantly finding things to do to keep myself busy. Anything at all is fair game – walking the dog, brushing the dog, playing with the dog, exercise videos, cooking, cleaning, laundry, reading, taking notes on reading, planning reading, making to do lists. Each day I play with staying off the internet a little bit longer, flirting with spending an entire day away from new, social media, email, all of it. When I feel my fingers itching for it – just a quick scroll through Facebook or Instagram – I mentally slap my hand away and turn toward something else.
Most of all, though, I just want the predictions to be wrong. I want them to be so far off the mark that the scientists look ridiculous. Because 10,000 people dead in four weeks is horrible enough. The idea of ten times that many more in the weeks to come is simply beyond my Ability to Accept.
Be Well, friends.
How about you? What do you notice about this week? How are you holding up?